Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
