I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
