Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
