I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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