I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
