im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Is that strawberry winking at me??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
