if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
