so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize