I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
