Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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