Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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