Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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