We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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