Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
