I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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