Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
