your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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