i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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