So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
ok first of all what the fuck
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