why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
