i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
