I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize