you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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