Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
