No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
