Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
