i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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