I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
