I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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