u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I looked at my own cervix.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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