I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
