You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
