ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
