he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
