I hate your face
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
