I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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