how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
