WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize