Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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