he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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