I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
