You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just invented taco cereal.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We have started to decorate penises.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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