I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
