I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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