Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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