hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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