i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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