my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
