I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
