Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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