Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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