Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
