I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
