I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How does one acquire holy water?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
