I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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