Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
