She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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