How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize