During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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