YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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