I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
