i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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