Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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