Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
